God

That fucker has been on my mind lately.

The notion of God is fucking ridiculous.

But ...

There is this NEED inside my heart. This WANT to know that one day I will see you again. It is unfathomable that I will not. None of this makes sense so it seems like there is no other option than to believe. I do not want to live the rest of my life knowing I will never see you again. I need to believe that when you leave this realm you will be greeted by your Gramps and Marty and Bella and Tina and my Toby. And that when I die you will be there and you will see me and you will run to me and I will pick you up and hold you and never let you go.

And then the other day I was thinking about Felicia and about how cold and hard she can be and then there it was, the thought that popped into my head so quickly, "God made her that way (to get through this)." Everything that has happened to her in her life was for this.

03.18.2017 - Saturday - G's Birthday

He made it.

When we sang happy birthday to him and it got to the end I thought, oh man, I hope no one says, "and many more" No one did. We all just clapped. 

It was rushed and hurried and stressful but it was a good day. 

03.12.2017 - Sunday - Gift

What do you buy a dying baby for his third birthday?

A question I asked myself today.

The only answer is, "a miracle."

03.10.2017 - Friday - G-trip

I purchased my plane tickets months ago.

I have been planning on being at his 3rd birthday since forever.

And now, I don't want to go.

I don't want THIS  to be the last time I see him.

I want to express these thoughts to Rachel but if she's not already having them why should I put them in her head?

02.22.2017 - Wednesday - Getting worse

Grayson has been increasingly more sick in the past two months. 

I know I mocked Felicia a bit when she questioned whether or not he'd make it to his third birthday but now I too am starting to wonder. It is less than a month away now. A part of me is hesitant to go especially now that I have learned family will not be welcome when he pas ... dies. So. Basically. This will be the last time I ever see him. Maybe knowing that will help me focus on my attentions solely on him. 

Just right now I saw a FB post from a mother with a son battling leukemia. A quote from this article got my attention and perfectly sums up how I feel about Grayson: "He is my smile, my love, my heartbeat. He is also my tears, my heart ache, my frowns." 

I am trying to decide if wanting to be there when he dies or even for a funeral is selfish. I know he's her son but he's ours also. As a family I think we need to be able to say goodbye. (OMG I'm going to be a wreck when I leave Sac back to SA). Speaking of, I keep thinking maybe I need to start talking to someone. I have always thought that but this is a big loss. I have so many unresolved issues that this piled on could be the breaking point for me. 

I also learned that I can talk about him as long as I don't think about him. 

Is it sick that I already know what I'm going to post on FB when it happens?
I will post it and then I will go dark. 

In searching for the link, I just realized it's a Dave Matthews Band song. That is one of Chris and Felicia's favorite bands. I simply liked it for the lyrics and "Grace is Gone" sounds like Grayson's gone. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZUPRSJ5wj0 this version. It was filmed at the Gorge which of course is where the Kemps have seen DMB like a million times. 

Or maybe I'll post: It ain't fittin. It just ain't fittin. 

My heart is heavy once more. Seems like almost a constant these days. 

My cousin Christa had her baby Grayson. Their first two initials are even the same born almost 2 years and 11 months apart. 

I am so sad. 

02.13.2017 - Monday - G beat Toby

I always thought that the idea that Toby would outlive Grayson was an injustice beyond words.

That is no longer an issue.

My sweet baby is gone. 

He'd been sick for the past two months. I went in thinking it was his kidneys finally giving out. But the numbers kept coming back better and better. And that's when I knew it was something else; something worse. Something ravishing my sweet angels body.

----------------------

I wrote that two days after he died.
The hustle and bustle of the holidays made it easier. But now that things have calmed, my thoughts are of him always and I need constant distraction to not fall apart.
The guilt I feel is immense and consuming and raw and ...

and I thought losing Grayson would be worse and obviously human vs cat, human is a bigger loss. But I'm not going to be there when Grayson goes. I'm not going to have to make that decision. I'm not going to question every thing I did for the past 6 months that could have prevented his suffering.

I'm going to get a phone call.

Sooner rather than later. He's been sick off and on for months.

I never doubted that he would make it to his third birthday. But every time Felicia posts about him my heart gets a little more crushed.

I HATE that I can't give him life. I hate that I can't hold his hand. I hate that I can't be there for Felicia.