Grayson has been increasingly more sick in the past two months.
I know I mocked Felicia a bit when she questioned whether or not he'd make it to his third birthday but now I too am starting to wonder. It is less than a month away now. A part of me is hesitant to go especially now that I have learned family will not be welcome when he pas ... dies. So. Basically. This will be the last time I ever see him. Maybe knowing that will help me focus on my attentions solely on him.
Just right now I saw a FB post from a mother with a son battling leukemia. A quote from this article got my attention and perfectly sums up how I feel about Grayson: "He is my smile, my love, my heartbeat. He is also my tears, my heart ache, my frowns."
I am trying to decide if wanting to be there when he dies or even for a funeral is selfish. I know he's her son but he's ours also. As a family I think we need to be able to say goodbye. (OMG I'm going to be a wreck when I leave Sac back to SA). Speaking of, I keep thinking maybe I need to start talking to someone. I have always thought that but this is a big loss. I have so many unresolved issues that this piled on could be the breaking point for me.
I also learned that I can talk about him as long as I don't think about him.
Is it sick that I already know what I'm going to post on FB when it happens?
I will post it and then I will go dark.
In searching for the link, I just realized it's a Dave Matthews Band song. That is one of Chris and Felicia's favorite bands. I simply liked it for the lyrics and "Grace is Gone" sounds like Grayson's gone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZUPRSJ5wj0 this version. It was filmed at the Gorge which of course is where the Kemps have seen DMB like a million times.
Or maybe I'll post: It ain't fittin. It just ain't fittin.
My heart is heavy once more. Seems like almost a constant these days.
My cousin Christa had her baby Grayson. Their first two initials are even the same born almost 2 years and 11 months apart.
I am so sad.
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