02.13.2017 - Monday - G beat Toby

I always thought that the idea that Toby would outlive Grayson was an injustice beyond words.

That is no longer an issue.

My sweet baby is gone. 

He'd been sick for the past two months. I went in thinking it was his kidneys finally giving out. But the numbers kept coming back better and better. And that's when I knew it was something else; something worse. Something ravishing my sweet angels body.

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I wrote that two days after he died.
The hustle and bustle of the holidays made it easier. But now that things have calmed, my thoughts are of him always and I need constant distraction to not fall apart.
The guilt I feel is immense and consuming and raw and ...

and I thought losing Grayson would be worse and obviously human vs cat, human is a bigger loss. But I'm not going to be there when Grayson goes. I'm not going to have to make that decision. I'm not going to question every thing I did for the past 6 months that could have prevented his suffering.

I'm going to get a phone call.

Sooner rather than later. He's been sick off and on for months.

I never doubted that he would make it to his third birthday. But every time Felicia posts about him my heart gets a little more crushed.

I HATE that I can't give him life. I hate that I can't hold his hand. I hate that I can't be there for Felicia.