Forgiveness

Ten years ago someone walked into an Amish school and killed 5 children and injured 5 others before taking the coward's way out.
His mother was speaking on NPRs Story Corp today. She said that at her son's funeral, the Amish community came out and showed their support and forgiveness for her son, a murderer.

It was such a moving story. It wasn't months or years after; it was days. They found forgiveness in their hearts.

And I asked myself this question: do you think you could ever forgive God?

I believe that once we die, we die. No heaven or hell, just gone. Losing Grayson challenges those ideas because I don't want him to just be gone. I want him in the arms of his Gramps and playing with Tina and Bella. I want to know that when I think of him, he will feel it and he will know. And that one day when I die I will see him again and he will be just as he was and he will run up to me and hug me and tell me he heard me all those times he was in my thoughts.

Oh but my heart ... it's so broken and I feel so betrayed.

How can my heart be so full of love for Grayson and still so full of hate for God?

Though I've been muddling this over in my head all morning the immediate answer to my question was maybe.

Maybe ...

Ronan

Three pages into Emily Rapp's book and it's almost unbearable to keep going.

But I will ...

Dream

I don't always have dreams of Grayson, but when I do, he's absolutely perfect.

Guarantee

There is none.

In life, when you say goodbye to someone, it could be for the last time. But it's different with Grayson. As I sit in the Sacramento airport waiting for my flight home I wonder if I will ever see him again.

Saying goodbye was awful. I lost it. I had held it together the whole trip (minus listening to love songs I attributed to him while at Tryphon). But in that moment giving him lots of kisses, I could not stop the tears. I told him to hang in there and that I would see him in March (for his 3rd birthday). And I WILL. His Mom made a comment on Saturday that she hoped he made it to 3. That is a thought that has NEVER crossed my mind. After 3, yes, every day will be a gift but I never fully realized that when it come to him, it's day by day.

I knew I had to stop crying before I got back in the car where his older brother was waiting. His Mom came in because she had to pee so that helped break up the sadness. I told myself to get it together; grabbed my things and off we went. I thought I might cry more at the airport. I thought about how people were going to be starring at me wondering what was wrong. I filled my sad thoughts with the Nerdist podcast which provided me much needed laughs.

Grapes

At a vineyard in the Sierra Foothills. In the clear air of the morning. I thought these thoughts:

He'll be perfect.
Forever.

I have no hope. I have no prayers. I have no faith. I have no peace. All I have is love.

I would die for him.