Triggered

I have Grayson's picture as my home and lock screen on my phone. I see him every day. I think about him every day. But it's not every day that I get triggered. Where the wave of emotion is too overwhelming to stop. Usually I "self-trigger" when I'm at home and I let my thoughts go places I know I shouldn't.

And then sometimes it happens at work when I least expect it.

I was scrolling about on Facebook and I saw that my cousin's boyfriend posted a sonogram picture of their baby. In the caption he said the baby's name. And the baby's name is Grayson. I yelped when I saw it. It took my breath away for a second. I tried to keep it in. I tried to stop the tears. My co-worker came back in to the office so I was forced to hold it but when I knew I wouldn't be able to I went outside and let it all come out.

How am I supposed to have my heart not break every time I look at her son and say that name.
I asked her about it and there was no real thought behind it. They just liked the name. All I can do is hope they change their minds. I want to say something but it's so selfish to do so. I just don't need another fucking reminder ...

One thousand seven hundred and seventeen point 3

is how many miles away Grayson is.

I wonder if he can feel my love from so far away.

Bulletproof

Watching Speechless, the son asked the Dad why he didn't care about what other people thought about him. The Dad responded that after he learned about his other son's disability he realized everything else in life was unimportant and that he was bulletproof.

Shortly after Grayson's diagnosis, I had a revelation.

For the rest of my life, NOTHING will hurt as much as this.

It's kind of nice living with that knowledge. This whole thing has brought this profound perspective on everything. When I'm bitching and moaning about something so insignificant, I think of him.