Gone

I think about this a lot. What are we going to do when he's gone?

How are his parents going to get through it?

How are they going to keep going?

How are they going to be able to have another kid?

How are they going to stay together through this?
Will their marriage survive? Should it survive ... I can't believe I used that word. Survive. None of us survive this life. But at least most of us get to live.

The stress of the inevitable must be getting to them. On social media everything is as bright and rosy as can be but behind the scenes, who knows?

There is no way I would ever be strong enough to handle this. He's not even my son and it's like the end of the fucking world.

How am I going to get through this?

How am I going to keep going?

How will I ever be able to have a kid at all?






The answer ....

together.

We will get through this together.

Grief

My family has been posting this article on FB about grief. Felicia started it because well, it's everyday for her. Typically when people talk about grief it's the loss of a parent or spouse. Thankfully it is very rarely about the loss of a child. Because that should be something that NEVER happens be it to disease, illness, a drunk driver. Children should by law be given the opportunity to grow and learn and live and talk and laugh and say I love yous. After 18 all bets are off but up and until then death should never be an option.

So I think of Grayson and how whatever words I read will never capture what this loss will feel like. There are no words to describe this and nor should there be. Who wants to put into words these feelings? After having just read Patton Oswalt's post about his late wife, I was in the mood for a soul wrenching commentary on how to handle everyday. I clicked on the link and realized it was something I had read before. Except this time I read it differently. My perspective changed instantly. Usually when I read these things I get mad because the people who are dying actually got a chance to live. And Grayson will never get that chance and that is absolutely unacceptable. 

And then the me that talks back to myself when I'm conflicted or sad or angry, the other me chimed in. "yes but the number of people he has impacted reaches further than most people do in an entire lifetime. He has changed your whole life. Name someone else who has done that. Try it. You can't. This tiny person will leave a crater of an impact and that's not nothing."

And actually, that's everything. 

Felicia holding Grayson. His hand on her heart. It will be there forever.